the story of a girl

and the voices in her head

28.09.2017.

If I get high enough, will I see you again?

You took down the wall I built around me
brick by brick, slowly
Then you grabbed them all and barricaded me out
closed yourself off
and now you're gone.

***
I wonder if they see something in my eyes shift when I think of him.
Maybe the sadness that takes over my whole body shows?
Perhaps it should be tattooed all over my skin?
But chances are it seeps out in waves anyway, like it did yesterday.

***
I was doing great, but then that song came on
and it may have k i l l e d m e.

26.09.2017.

Nisam.

Pa eto. Šta bude.

20.09.2017.

I hope I'm not too late

Boli me glava, zglob, prsti ali srce mi je sretno.
Ok, zvučalo je manje kliše u glavi. Jebiga nek stoji.
Trebalo mi je tri minute da iskucam ovo gore. Aj zdravo.

18.09.2017.

Benefit of the doubt.

Ok, so.
Potrudila sam se svim snagama da sviram gitaru sa svojim divnim (dugim) noktićima. Pokušala sam. I gave up.
Zapišite datum; L. odustala od dugih nokata.
Bole me prsti, dok potrefim jedno slovo fulim deset.
Nema veze.
Moram još nešto ponoviti za ispit i ovo nastaviti.
Još sam u nevjerici oko svega.

17.09.2017.

welcome to the new age

You changed my life. That day when I first saw you put me on a path that was always inherently mine. And it has it's dangers, sure. But this is where I'm supposed to be. This, the joy of this morning, I was born for this.
I wondered for a long time what your purpose had been, if not to love me. Sorry, it's an old habit to assume everyone I meet is in my life so they could love me. It's okay now. I've learned.
My point is, if everything hadn't happened the way it did, if I had only walked out a minute later, if I hadn't gone on that tram when I did (because it was 'full' and I don't like going into full trams), if I hadn't entered it through the middle door... I'd still be in that same trance-like state of believing I am safe and sound.
What's safe is being happy.
You'll probably never know just how much you changed me - or at least put me on the path that led to me waking up at last - but I wanted to say thank you. Chasing you to find myself was the best thing that happened in a long time.
And now... Now there's a new chapter starting, there's a different girl who didn't even realize how different she was until she looked at her phone and said 'No, I won't call'. She's someone new. She's me.
She has the patience now, to wait for the right moment to ask for the thing she wants.
I have that patience. And it's rewarding.
Maybe trusting people so much was a mistake. Maybe I'll pay for it.
But I'm turning it all into art and making it mean something.

These past few months have been a new low for me. A different kind of low. But, God, did it teach me a lesson. You know how sometimes it takes a long time to learn it? Well. Here we are.
I was listening to a song that came out a couple days ago, that very night and boy did I have an epiphany. Maybe I don't know who I want to be anymore.
It's fine.
I know what I need to do to figure it out.
And it, once again, has to do with you.
Maybe we'll be close enough one day for me to tell you this.
Maybe not.
But thank God I saw you that day.